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But, perhaps more shameful than being publically passed over is thinking that just maybe your life would be easier – better even – if you were dating a white man.While I was angry with the security guard and the establishment, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a tinge of regret at that moment for being with a black man or a hint of frustration at the very man who was just victimized and dismissed.The feelings I experienced that fateful night at the bar, and admittedly many times thereafter, now evoke the wise words of Malcolm X: “If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” Unpacking privilege and sorting through the complexities of racial and sexual politics as a bi-racial woman in white America can be a high task.Accepting that my seemingly personal decisions regarding who will occupy my company or my body, is a high task.One night, a date and I decided to hit a local New Jersey bar.As we approached the secured entrance, a white couple was also entering, walking only steps behind us. Ds, the white security guard informed us that we could not enter, as my date was violating the dress code; mere seconds later the white couple reached the door and was promptly let in – with the guy outfitted in the same ensemble.Both insatiable and lazy, he is creator of chaos and maker of his own inevitable demise; he is forever guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. As angry and volatile as their female counterparts, black men, by their very presence, give society reason to assume the defensive.

I appreciate your openness and candor as I do for most people your age.

I choose to internalize their experiences of undervaluation, passed over promotions and emasculation.

I choose to carry the burden of [dating] black men, and I choose it often; 90% of the men I’ve dated are black.

In fact, at a recent fellowship dinner at Columbia Law School, a wealthy, white businessman told me that the biggest business problem occurring in America is the inability of black women to find [black] husbands.

He declared that this travesty is rooted in the black man’s inability to commit, not just to a woman, but also to a job.

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